Watch Ilana Glazer Enters The New Yorker Caption Contest | Cartoon Caption Contest
[thoughtful music]
Hi, I’m Ilana Glazer,
and today I’m going to caption some New Yorker cartoons,
and I don’t know how it’s going to go.
[cartoon swishes]
It looks like two white-collar working men are leaving work
and one of them is carrying a sex doll out of work.
Okay, the one who is carrying her
is like trying to be low-key,
and then the other guy is certainly judging.
You know, I’m thinking like big plans tonight.
It’s not good.
Maybe something about benefits,
like from the job, but that might not,
like this is his retirement plan or something or benefits.
Or perhaps this guy like quit.
I could make it like real dramatic.
Ooh, or working from home, perhaps.
Okay, I’m just like talking out loud here.
There’s also like an AI angle, you know what I mean?
Like an AI angle, stop hiring humans,
if you’ve seen that scary billboard.
I think I’m just going to like keep it simple.
[pen swishing]
I’m starting to work from home four days a week.
[drums pattering]
[cymbal clanks]
[cartoon swishes]
Opposite-sex couple.
The woman, though, she’s like kind of masc, I’m loving it.
She’s like, honestly, like pregnant,
and it seems like she’s close to having the baby
because you can see her like beastly traits are coming out
and she’s becoming more animal than human. Anyway.
Looks like the dad hung up this mobile
and there’s like money symbols
because he hopes this kid brings them riches.
Usually you like lose money when you have a kid,
but this guy is hoping for the opposite.
Not only a refund, but a return on investment.
And he’s in such a position
that she’s the one investing, you know what I mean?
Giving away clearly a sense of balance,
time, having her own body to herself.
So she’s made the investment,
but he’s hoping for a return on investment,
is something I’m finding here.
And he’s talking, as usual.
Okay, I’m hoping on a return of investment.
I’ve invested so much already, he says,
you know what I mean? And she’s like, Hmm.
It’s just that I’ve invested so much already.
Perhaps that’s the one.
[pen swishing]
It is just that I’ve invested so much already.
[drums pattering]
[cymbal clanks]
[cartoon swishes]
Two women are carrying luggage.
Now, what’s funny and relevant
is that I can’t tell if this is a baby or a full grown man.
It looks like a full grown man
because there’s shading and dots
that are meant to indicate a beard.
I like that this woman on the left is sort of bringing it.
She’s wearing like a little skirt
and a tank to the airport. I love it.
You can travel and be cute,
you know what I mean? Is what she’s saying.
Her suitcase is bigger.
She has a dog in it as well.
I think this is a man, like a full grown man.
Perhaps something about packing light.
But there’s like something here about a man being a baby.
That’s the point of this.
[sighs] You know, it’s almost like math, but it’s not math.
You know, I could just fully rag on him too, like,
he gets really tired on travel days.
And then you leave it up to the reader
to like discover that this is her grown male partner.
He could have been, you know,
underneath the plane with the dog too.
You know, it’s not like a clever New Yorker thing,
but like maybe it’s just like silly,
like we’re going to go get him ice cream
because he was really good in cargo.
He surprisingly always behaves in cargo.
And like the dog sat on her lap.
Well, they can’t both fit on my lap. [chuckles]
Can I get myself up here? [chuckles]
Okay, we’re going to go with that.
[pen swishing]
The problem really isn’t the skill itself
of coming up with the captions,
it’s the gaslighting myself after.
So then she says,
Well, they can’t both fit on my lap.
[drums pattering]
[cymbal clanks]
[cartoon swishes]
Oh, somebody brought their hotdog stand
to the like auto shop.
Wiener, obviously, is like, could be used.
A frank, what do they also call hot dogs?
Dirty water dogs. I love. Oh my God.
Dirty water dogs. [chuckles]
Overheated, like an engine is overheated.
Dogs are too hot.
And then, of course, wiener.
Like we don’t want to rush over the possibilities there.
And then this thing’s propped open. It’s funny.
But it’s like that’s the driver.
He’s checking the oil.
And then who’s this guy?
This is like a stoner, male, is what I’m perceiving.
No boobs, long hair, stoner.
The oil is good, it’s the such and such that’s a problem.
Perhaps that’s the structure.
Also, like there’s a bun there.
Wieners [chuckles] and buns.
Okay. Like I’m sorry, but you asked me to do this,
so here I am.
And you’re getting the Ilana Glazer version of it.
Oh, you know what? Hotdogs are like they’re American,
but they’re like German also.
There’s also something here with like the European.
It’s the German engine that’s a problem.
It’s the last one, right? [chuckles]
You know, we’re not going to go there.
We’re not going to talk about lube.
We’re not.
We’re not. [chuckles]
You know what? Honestly, I’m just going to,
maybe it is just like oil is good,
but you’re low on kraut.
[pen swishing]
I would say finishing strong isn’t my strong suit,
but
I will see anything through.
I will see it through.
So, we’re ending on this, but, you know, I don’t know.
Oil is good, but you’re low on kraut.
Guys, you know, I don’t know.
[drums pattering]
[cymbal clanks]
Thanks for having me. Thanks for accepting me,
however I came today.